Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Andrew Schneider has a lot of strikes against him asshole-wise:

1. He works with the Wooster Group 
2. He talks SHIT about them in this interview, even though like, they paid him and stuff 
4. He went to NYU 
5. His "producer" actually "contacted" me to be "interviewed" on this "blog" and then I'm pretty sure SHE (he's making his BILLIONS on the backs of female oppression) wrote this entire thing.
6. His "producer" "sent" "me" his "show" "blurb" and THIS is IT:
A conjuror of futuristic shamanism, Andrew Schneider’s YOUARENOWHERE experiments with the virtues of sensory overload via quantum mechanics, parallel universes, and Craiglist’s “Missed Connections”. Battling glitchy transmissions, crackling microphones and lighting instruments falling from the sky, one guy on a mission and a tricked-out interactive new-media landscape merge to transform physical space, warp linear time and short-circuit preconceived notions of what it means to be here now.

So...without further ado...

Q. Do you think you could have fit any more big words into your show blurb? Are there any you particularly regret leaving out? Who the fuck do you think you are calling yourself "a conjuror," are you some kind of bullshit new age Harry Potter?

A. The word “blurb” is probably the most unpalatable word ever “coined.” I regret nothing.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm mad the word diversity isn't in there.

Q. What do you hate more: working for the Wooster Group, seeing a Wooster Group show or your own asshole?

A. Well, unlike working for Wooster or seeing a Wooster show, I have a pretty good relationship with my asshole. I also, in contrast, try to keep my asshole clean.  Oh, and my asshole’s not racist.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Now that's just mean. I thought the last show I saw of theirs was kind of cute in a 70s "redface is still okay" kind of way. I liked when the white middle aged guys who think they're still really hot went shirtless and wore feathers and war paint. It was adorable, come on. Admit that it was KIND OF sweet.

Q. Now that you're in the COIL festival, do you wish you'd become a doctor?

A. Do you?*


Q.  Does Rachel Chavkin know you are an asshole?

A. I use a pseudonym when I work with nice people.

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why? Would it be "downtown theater"?

A. “Curated rental.” Or “brunch.”

Q.  What about your upcoming show are you most excited ab-- ...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. Wait, which show are you talking about? There are the two COIL shows - the one I created and the one I designed for. I also have that residency at Dixon Place through next year and of course playing synth and singing backup with my band AVAN LAVA…*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Wow, you and Young Jean Lee are the only assholes who are big enough asshole to actually plug yourselves. Maybe soon you'll be famous too. Maybe.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole and so are your kids, friends, family, roommates, student loans, ideas, opinions, hopes and dreams?

A. At least I'm not a performance artist.*


Q.  Name 3 people you personally know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole. Bonus points for name dropping here.

A. Yehuda Duenyas. Laurie Anderso- I mean Francis McDorma- I mean Erin Markey. My brother.

Q. Do you dream about quitting the theater and living at some ashram in like Asia or whatever? If yes, you're an asshole. If no, you're an asshole.

A. Uh…becoming a mountain guide in Patagonia, duh.

Q.  Where are you fucking from?

A. Milwaukee. Your welcome.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Your is possessive. I believe you mean "you're" which is the contracted way to say YOU ARE. Just a little helpful hint, asshole.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Matthew Freeman is a playwright and a member of the Indie Theater Now Hall of Fucking Fame. Need I say "asshole"?

Q. Why are you such an asshole?
A. I think of myself as huggable and well-meaning. That may be the answer to your question.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: It's not, asshole.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, Adam Szymkowicz or fucking babies?
A. Adam is the worst, but no one picks old ladies. So I'll say old ladies. Just to sort of bat my eyelashes at the world, you know? "He doesn't like old ladies," they'll say. And they'll love me for it.

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?
A. I'm not that smart. It's sort of an open secret.

Q.  Does your mother know you are an asshole?
A. She thinks of me as a scamp.

But...she does use my middle name, the name she gave me, to mean "asshole". When she's upset, the entire name is spoken. Makes you wonder why, instead of Matthew Stephen Freeman, she didn't just call me Matthew Asshole Freeman.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Because she knew I would want to call you that.

You'd really have to ask her. I'll send you her e-mail address. She'd love to expound on my virtues.

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?
A. I was at a lecture where they were discussing Marina Abramovic's work in terms of "Thing Theory." That was basically the worst thing I've ever heard. Thing Theory can be read about here: Join me in thinking "No" to this.


Also: the well-made play. 

Q.  What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.
A. I have a great play coming up! (Puts script on a spoon and makes little airplane noises). You're going to love it. Open up! It's got cheese on it! You love cheese! OPEN YOUR MOUTH!*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What the fuck are you calling me fat? You're a dick.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole?
A. I didn't. I thought it was the opposite of being on the baseball team. 

Q.  Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.
A. I cannot name them, because then they would totally know I was talking about them, and that's a sort of reward for them, and fuck them. You know? That's my point. Fuck those assholes in the face.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You would. You WOULD fuck those assholes in the face.

Q.  You are a member of New Dramatists.
A. What are you implying?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That you're an asshole, asshole.

Q.  Where are you from?
A. What are you, a cop?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What a fucking insensitive comment given the tenure of these times. Jesus Christ are you an asshole.