I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 24: MATTHEW FREEMAN

Matthew Freeman is a playwright and a member of the Indie Theater Now Hall of Fucking Fame. Need I say "asshole"?

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. I think of myself as huggable and well-meaning. That may be the answer to your question.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: It's not, asshole.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, Adam Szymkowicz or fucking babies?

A. Adam is the worst, but no one picks old ladies. So I'll say old ladies. Just to sort of bat my eyelashes at the world, you know? "He doesn't like old ladies," they'll say. And they'll love me for it.

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. I'm not that smart. It's sort of an open secret.

Q.  Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. She thinks of me as a scamp.

But...she does use my middle name, the name she gave me, to mean "asshole". When she's upset, the entire name is spoken. Makes you wonder why, instead of Matthew Stephen Freeman, she didn't just call me Matthew Asshole Freeman.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Because she knew I would want to call you that.

You'd really have to ask her. I'll send you her e-mail address. She'd love to expound on my virtues.

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. I was at a lecture where they were discussing Marina Abramovic's work in terms of "Thing Theory." That was basically the worst thing I've ever heard. Thing Theory can be read about here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thing_theory Join me in thinking "No" to this.

THINGNESS.

Also: the well-made play. 

Q.  What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. I have a great play coming up! (Puts script on a spoon and makes little airplane noises). You're going to love it. Open up! It's got cheese on it! You love cheese! OPEN YOUR MOUTH!*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What the fuck are you calling me fat? You're a dick.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole?

A. I didn't. I thought it was the opposite of being on the baseball team. 

Q.  Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. I cannot name them, because then they would totally know I was talking about them, and that's a sort of reward for them, and fuck them. You know? That's my point. Fuck those assholes in the face.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You would. You WOULD fuck those assholes in the face.

Q.  You are a member of New Dramatists.

A. What are you implying?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That you're an asshole, asshole.

Q.  Where are you from?

A. What are you, a cop?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What a fucking insensitive comment given the tenure of these times. Jesus Christ are you an asshole.