I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 25: ANDREW SCHNEIDER

Andrew Schneider has a lot of strikes against him asshole-wise:

1. He works with the Wooster Group 

2. He talks SHIT about them in this interview, even though like, they paid him and stuff 

3. THIS PICTURE 

4. He went to NYU 

5. His "producer" actually "contacted" me to be "interviewed" on this "blog" and then I'm pretty sure SHE (he's making his BILLIONS on the backs of female oppression) wrote this entire thing.

6. His "producer" "sent" "me" his "show" "blurb" and THIS is IT:

A conjuror of futuristic shamanism, Andrew Schneider’s YOUARENOWHERE experiments with the virtues of sensory overload via quantum mechanics, parallel universes, and Craiglist’s “Missed Connections”. Battling glitchy transmissions, crackling microphones and lighting instruments falling from the sky, one guy on a mission and a tricked-out interactive new-media landscape merge to transform physical space, warp linear time and short-circuit preconceived notions of what it means to be here now.

7. HE IS A "DOWNTOWN" "THEATER" "ARTIST"

So...without further ado...

Q. Do you think you could have fit any more big words into your show blurb? Are there any you particularly regret leaving out? Who the fuck do you think you are calling yourself "a conjuror," are you some kind of bullshit new age Harry Potter?

A. The word “blurb” is probably the most unpalatable word ever “coined.” I regret nothing.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm mad the word diversity isn't in there.

Q. What do you hate more: working for the Wooster Group, seeing a Wooster Group show or your own asshole?

A. Well, unlike working for Wooster or seeing a Wooster show, I have a pretty good relationship with my asshole. I also, in contrast, try to keep my asshole clean.  Oh, and my asshole’s not racist.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Now that's just mean. I thought the last show I saw of theirs was kind of cute in a 70s "redface is still okay" kind of way. I liked when the white middle aged guys who think they're still really hot went shirtless and wore feathers and war paint. It was adorable, come on. Admit that it was KIND OF sweet.

Q. Now that you're in the COIL festival, do you wish you'd become a doctor?

A. Do you?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: No.

Q.  Does Rachel Chavkin know you are an asshole?

A. I use a pseudonym when I work with nice people.

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why? Would it be "downtown theater"?

A. “Curated rental.” Or “brunch.”

Q.  What about your upcoming show are you most excited ab-- ...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. Wait, which show are you talking about? There are the two COIL shows - the one I created and the one I designed for. I also have that residency at Dixon Place through next year and of course playing synth and singing backup with my band AVAN LAVA…*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Wow, you and Young Jean Lee are the only assholes who are big enough asshole to actually plug yourselves. Maybe soon you'll be famous too. Maybe.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole and so are your kids, friends, family, roommates, student loans, ideas, opinions, hopes and dreams?

A. At least I'm not a performance artist.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You aren't? 

Q.  Name 3 people you personally know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole. Bonus points for name dropping here.

A. Yehuda Duenyas. Laurie Anderso- I mean Francis McDorma- I mean Erin Markey. My brother.

Q. Do you dream about quitting the theater and living at some ashram in like Asia or whatever? If yes, you're an asshole. If no, you're an asshole.

A. Uh…becoming a mountain guide in Patagonia, duh.

Q.  Where are you fucking from?

A. Milwaukee. Your welcome.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Your is possessive. I believe you mean "you're" which is the contracted way to say YOU ARE. Just a little helpful hint, asshole.

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 24: MATTHEW FREEMAN

Matthew Freeman is a playwright and a member of the Indie Theater Now Hall of Fucking Fame. Need I say "asshole"?

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. I think of myself as huggable and well-meaning. That may be the answer to your question.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: It's not, asshole.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, Adam Szymkowicz or fucking babies?

A. Adam is the worst, but no one picks old ladies. So I'll say old ladies. Just to sort of bat my eyelashes at the world, you know? "He doesn't like old ladies," they'll say. And they'll love me for it.

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. I'm not that smart. It's sort of an open secret.

Q.  Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. She thinks of me as a scamp.

But...she does use my middle name, the name she gave me, to mean "asshole". When she's upset, the entire name is spoken. Makes you wonder why, instead of Matthew Stephen Freeman, she didn't just call me Matthew Asshole Freeman.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Because she knew I would want to call you that.

You'd really have to ask her. I'll send you her e-mail address. She'd love to expound on my virtues.

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. I was at a lecture where they were discussing Marina Abramovic's work in terms of "Thing Theory." That was basically the worst thing I've ever heard. Thing Theory can be read about here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thing_theory Join me in thinking "No" to this.

THINGNESS.

Also: the well-made play. 

Q.  What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. I have a great play coming up! (Puts script on a spoon and makes little airplane noises). You're going to love it. Open up! It's got cheese on it! You love cheese! OPEN YOUR MOUTH!*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What the fuck are you calling me fat? You're a dick.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole?

A. I didn't. I thought it was the opposite of being on the baseball team. 

Q.  Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. I cannot name them, because then they would totally know I was talking about them, and that's a sort of reward for them, and fuck them. You know? That's my point. Fuck those assholes in the face.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You would. You WOULD fuck those assholes in the face.

Q.  You are a member of New Dramatists.

A. What are you implying?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That you're an asshole, asshole.

Q.  Where are you from?

A. What are you, a cop?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What a fucking insensitive comment given the tenure of these times. Jesus Christ are you an asshole.

ASSHOLES TRY TO INTERVIEW ME: JEN SILVERMAN

Jen Silverman is a New York based playwright. Clearly this makes her an asshole.* 
*If this bit of evidence is not enough proof of Ms. Silverman's assholic nature, please know that she has been harassing me via social media and email. She is SUCH a colossal asshole, she even sent me interview questions as though I would EVER deign to be interviewed on a blog featuring assholes. (Seriously, Jen. WHAT are you saying?! I'm not an asshole. I'm a mere public servant. So FUCK YOU. I'm performing a fucking SERVICE.)  

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Jen Silverman <REDACTED@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Sep 19, 2014 at 6:40 PM*
Subject: Asshole Interview
To: Morgan Gould <REDACTED@gmail.com>

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Yeah, that's fucking right. I waited two months to address this assholery. And let it be noted, I did NOT ask permission to post this and I have not warned the offending asshole that I am going to do so. Take THAT, asshole!

1. Malcolm Gladwell says it takes 10,000 hours to achieve mastery of something. Have you spent 10,000 hours becoming the Uber-Asshole*, or are you too lazy?

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: This blog takes no stance on Uber as a car service whatsoever.

2. Who do you hate more: old lady playwrights, playwrights with puppies or fucking playwrights?

3. Why the fuck didn't you become a cosmetic surgeon?


4. Why the fuck didn't you become an investment banker?


5. Why the fuck didn't you become anything OH GOD ANYTHING of even the slightest use to society as a whole*?

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: SAYS THE FUCKING PLAYWRIGHT.


6. If you could murder a playwright, who would s/he be?


7. If you could murder another playwright, who would s/he be?


8. Would you rather: murder all the playwrights OR have to date an actor for more than three months? (Dating includes: listening to their feelings, asking about their feelings, handing them tissues while they discuss their feelings.)


9. What shows do you have coming up? ONLY ANSWER if they involve nudity.


10. Do you know that by being the curator of a blog devoted to assholes, you are precariously close to being a genius*? But like an evil one? The sort that becomes famous (like Gengis Khan!) but cannot be publicly rewarded for their brilliance (e.g.: MacArthur Foundation)?

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: CLOSE? CLOSE?! CLOSE???? FUCK OFF. You know what? You're fucking CLOSE to being fucking worth my time. Asshole.

11. Name 3 people you know who wish they were bigger assholes than you. Chris Sullivan* doesn't count, as per usual.

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I ran into Good Ole Sully and, despite his enthusiastic insistence that he's an asshole, he greeted me with "Hey, how are you?" I was like "Way to make you case, asshole."

12. If you could destroy Williamsburg in one fell swoop, what would be your WMD?
A. Bedbugs with uzis
B. Talking roaches
C. Hipsters become cannibals and consume each other
D. Other (please specify)

13. What ungodly place spat you out, and do they take full responsibility for you?

I INTERVIEW #EMERGING! ASSHOLES PART 22: CHRIS TYLER

Chris Tyler is a New York based "performance artist." I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you that he's an asshole. 

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. i don’t rehearse enough.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. i like fucking babies, so I guess puppies.

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. i smoked weed one time.

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. sort of.

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. Q&As*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Fuck you.

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. k

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. lol yah*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: So...complete sentences. Not really your thing, huh?

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A.

1. @EmrgingDirekter

2. @EmrgingPlayrite

3. ppl who unfollow @NOTCHRISTYLER

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. No

Q. Where are you from?

A. idkkk?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Hey, thanks for barely answering the questions!

BONUS Qs, also found on the Lincoln Center Director's Lab Application:

BONUS: What's your favorite application to get rejected from every year and who at that organization is the biggest asshole?

NYTW's 2050 Fellowship*; Benjamin Coffin III.

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I have been rejected every year since they started letting white people apply. It really keeps me young! 

BONUS: Do you remember where you were when they announced that Annie Baker and Rajiv Joseph were getting Steinberg Awards for being "up and coming" playwrights last year?

Who?

BONUS: What would be the first thing you would do if you got a NYIT Award?

I INTERVIEW #EMERGING! ASSHOLES PART 21: ERIC "I HAVE THREE NAMES" PRENTICE SHETHAR

Eric Prentice Shethar is a New York based... 

well, I'm not sure. 

But he does theater stuff and things. I see him "around."

 Is he like a young Caleb Hammons? 

Or the world's oldest assistant 

(j/k that's me and it's my only claim to fame so DO NOT try to take it away, thanks)? 

Either way, he's an ASSHOLE.  

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. Because I am not here to make friends. 

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Babies, because their incompetence* and lack of motor skills are unfairly rewarded.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Why, praytell, if you dislike incompetence, are you in THE THEATER?

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. I'd rather just home-wreck one.

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. Not a clue- one time I forgot her birthday and she was just proud of me for "keeping busy."

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. My vision of utopia is a world where I never have to hear a guy identify as a "top" ever again.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I identify as a muffin top. Is that the same? 

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. I'll be understudying Heather Graham as "Emotionally Credible Shrew" in the new Neil LaBute play coming to New York this fall.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Damn, I knew I should have been more emotionally credible in my audition. 

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. Literally who the fuck are you calling a theater artist.

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

1. Hitler

2. Any monster who doesn't cry during Jumanji

End of List

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. For approaching five years now and fun fact many people think that Andrew Rannell's character on Girls was based on me but I was in fact the primary inspiration for Jemima Kirke's.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Girls reference = asshole.

Q. Where are you from?

A. The suburban wilds of Massachusetts. It's not as WASP-y as you're imaging- less croquet and cardigans, more heroin. 

BONUS Qs, also found on the Lincoln Center Director's Lab Application:

BONUS: What's your favorite application to get rejected from every year and who at that organization is the biggest asshole?

[insert stale joke about Women's Project Lab here]*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm offended.

BONUS: Do you remember where you were when they announced that Annie Baker and Rajiv Joseph were getting Steinberg Awards for being "up and coming" playwrights last year?

Honestly, No. Sidebar I think Rajiv Joseph is totally bangable in a "Broadway Bro" kinda way.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm offended.

 

  

BONUS: What would be the first thing you would do if you got a NYIT Award?

Line the pockets of a wool coat with stones and walk into a river.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm offended.

I INTERVIEW #EMERGING! ASSHOLES PART 20: BAILEY WILLIAMS

Bailey Williams is a New York based playwright who also works for Antje Oegel.* 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That's right, us #emerging! assholes all have two completely contrasting lives. One that exists in a small office that we regularly use to print illicit copies of our pathetic attempts to transcend our day jobs, and one that begins when our bosses finally decide we can leave!  If we're lucky, we like the former. If we're not lucky, we will never admit that due to crippling amounts of student loan debt, we will always be the Jekyll and Hydes of the American Theatre! Thanks for the office supplies, though, folks! 

PS I like my job. 

PPS Look out for the WORLD PREMIERE of "Please Don't Fire Me!" a cite specific new play by Morgan Gould. It takes place in my office...after hours. I printed every page of it at Fedex.

PPPS Antje if you are reading this, my 9-5 self has had the great pleasure of working with Bailey's 9-5 self and she is extremely competent, helpful, and prompt in her replies. 

PPPS Everyone else reading this: she is STILL an asshole. 

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. I have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and a drinking problem. I went to NYU for Dramatic Writing*. I recently spent time in a Floridian resort, where I complained loudly about the quality of the pina coladas. I have a personal blog**. There are a lot of things at work here. 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I mean...I just...I don't even really have to say anything here. 

**NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR POINT?

Q. Who do you like better your Mom or your Dad?

A. Neither. I don't like anyone. 

Q. How much money would it take for you to be willing to steal candy from a baby? Literally. Or, how much would you pay someone for the privilege?

A. Nothing. I would do it for free. Babies need to learn about assholes early to better prepare them for life. It would be NICE of me to steal candy from every goddamn baby I see.  

Q. If you could fuck anyone in the world and not call them, and then know they just waited by the phone for days for you to contact them, who would it be?

A. Kim Jong Un.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That is racist, and the owners and editors of this blog do not claim to support, share or condone this viewpoint. Only Matthew Freeman does.

Q. What do you have coming up artistically?...Oh wait, no. Go fuck yourselves. No one cares what you do, asshole. Don't you dare fucking answer that.

A. Fuck you, Morgan.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Valid.

Q. Who is the most insufferable theater person on facebook? (Warning: if you say me, I'll change it to someone you're friends with without telling you.)

A. Chris Tyler. Shut the fuck up about Prelude.13, Chris Tyler. 

Q. Name 3 people you know who are secret assholes--names ones we wouldn't suspect, for god's sake!

A. Working for a literary agency I have access to all the secret asshole information of which the theater world only DREAMS. I know EVERY SECRET. And I'll never fucking tell, Morgan, not until my tell-all zine that I will distribute at Prelude.14. 

Q. What's your relationship with the L train?

A. Sometimes I have to transfer to the L from the G train to get to all my favorite Bushwick bars and restaurants! ;)

Q. Why the fuck are you in theater when you could have actually DONE SOMETHING with your life you selfish fuck?

A. Good question. It's because I am the most important person in the world and my art really reflects that. Through art, I can maintain 100% focus on my own personal issues. 

Q. Be honest, how long did you spend doing this interview? And if you answer more than 3 minutes, you're the worst kind of asshole and you owe me an explanation.

A. Over a week. Morgan made edits to this questionnaire. She is being dishonest about the editorial process and she needs to be held accountable.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I merely added the BONUS QUESTIONS below as a nod to CURATION which, if you were any sort of downtown artist like you CLAIM to be, you would appreciate rather than mock. Oh...you don't know what CURATION is??? Call Caleb Hammons. He'll calmly explain it to you in his southern drawl. Maybe then you'll SHUT YOUR YAP, ASSHOLE.

BONUS Qs, also found on the Lincoln Center Director's Lab Application:

BONUS: What's your favorite application to get rejected from every year and who at that organization is the biggest asshole?

Ars Nova*/admin assistant Eric Shethar. I used to watch him sneer and drink his stupid coconut water every day when I interned there. You wouldn't believe how many tote bags this man owns (at least 10). 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: "I got married there!" - ARS NOVA DEVELOPMENT VIDEO. 'NUFF SAID.

BONUS: Do you remember where you were when they announced that Annie Baker and Rajiv Joseph were getting Steinberg Awards for being "up and coming" playwrights last year?

Yes, I literally following Annie Baker into a deli on 5th Avenue in Park Slope. She bought three 40 ounces of Michelob Ultra and a $5 designer chocolate bar. She told the counter man she was getting "hella turnt."  

BONUS: What would be the first thing you would do if you got a NYIT Award?

Return it. I'm aiming for the big-time recognition: an OBIE!