Derek Ahonen is a New York based playwright, and the creator and Resident Playwright of the Amoralists Theatre Company. He is an asshole.
Q. Why are you such an asshole?
A. Cause I live in this "godforsaken jungle hell". Madness surrounds me every second. Women prey upon me. I'm an alcoholic who suffers the dts regularly. What else? Oh yeah a whole lot of unresolved issues from childhood. Oh and I see hypocrites everywhere I look.
Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?
A. Old ladies. I love dogs and babies until they're like three. I even like old ladies if they're poor. I'll kill an old rich bitch though.
Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?
I can't handle blood. Unless it's on my knuckles from peoples faces.
Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?
A. Of course. She's a proud and loving supporter of this asshole.
Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?
A. If you want to call transcendence a concept I'd murder it. I believe life to just be an endless cycle of repetition that never ends. Booze, women, art. Eventually I don't know what I'm drinking or who I'm dating. They all start to look the same. It will never end. Rinse and repeat shit. Thank god women have always found me likeable. More importantly thank god bartenders have always found me likeable. As a playwright I need very low bar tabs.
Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.
Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole?
A. I don't believe that to be true. I meet too many nice married theater people to believe that to be the case. Btw... Except for Dan Aukin and Penny Bittone, I hate every married theater person with kids. That's why the theater is dying. These safe fucking plays made by nice moms with MFAs. The streets need to reclaim the theater. The Saloon poets. People who could care less about money make the best art. I'll rob an old lady on the street before I write something I can't stand by. Dangle a carrot in front of my face and I'll rip it out of your hand and shove it down you fucking throat. This cocksucking industry disgusts me.
Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.
A. William Apps. The worlds most talented asshole. Also the worlds most talented actor.
Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?
A. Are you fucking kidding me? I thought this blog was about assholes and not wannabe, pretentious artists who are sexually confused.
Q. Where are you from?
A. Chicago. Love it so much I go back a few months a year. Currently on Stanton and Clinton in the greatest neighborhood in the greatest city on earth. Although I've never been to Berlin. Or anywhere in Iowa.