I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 3: NICK LEAVENS

Nick Leavens is a New York based director and the Artistic Director of The Claque. 
That pretty much makes him an asshole.

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. Well, I wasn't born this way. My parents are good people, so this was definitely a learned behavior. I think it's probably because I have secret knowledge that I'm better (smarter, more talented, better looking) than most of you. Some people know that just by looking at me, other people sense it by being near me. Like an aura or an energy that people feel. I'd explain it in more detail, but I don't think you'd understand.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Fucking Babies - anyone who says otherwise is a dick. I was a cafe doing fucking work yesterday and there was some terrible child running around banging on shit while adults were trying to do important things like look cool while writing their screen plays and pretending not to look at Facebook. Someone even had the nerve to smile at the child, I'm assuming cause it had floppy hair and big eyes. Jesus. What kind of world are we living in? I just want to have my caffeine while I work (when I'm supposed to be having a GDed day off) in peace. I don't want to be surrounded by innocent fucking cute children making all kinds of noise and running around like they're the fucking future of the world, acting the fool. Just watch your fucking kids and make sure they behave. How hard is that?

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. 'cause that shit's hard. I don't want to go to school for like 30 years and, like, drain puss from old people's feet. That shit's gross. Besides, if I wanted to go to school forever for something useless, I'd just go to Columbia for Dramaturgy or Yale Theatre Management or something. At least doctors have a possibility of making their money back.

Q.  Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. Yeah, she does and she still loves me. (I mean, what's not to love.) She always encouraged me to follow my dreams and other such nonsense. My dreams were at one point to be a famous actor, which is really the stupidest most self-centered thing a person can think (how delusional would you have to be). That didn't work out because I was too good and realized I was too smart, so I focused on directing which I'm even better at. Everyone knows it.

But, yeah, my mom. Once they, my parents, came in to New York to go to a play I directed or something (they see all my work, you should too) and we were having a dinner at my place with a bunch of my non-theatre friends. A few wine glasses at my place had broken so we went to the dollar store to get some new ones and when we got back to the apartment we realized one was already broken. I went right back over with my mom to have them replace it. They told her that they would replace it, but they'd sell us two for one. So, I totally tore into them right in front of my mom and told them that wasn't ok, we spent money for a non-broken glass. They replaced the glass and my mom got to see me be a complete asshole. I mean, it was only a dollar, but it was ok for me to do that, because it was the principal of the thing, right?

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. That there are no stupid questions. Just about every question I get asked is a stupid question. Type your damned question into google before you saw it out loud. Most of the time, you're just being lazy and not doing your own research. I don't want to do it for you, ok? Fend for yourself.

Oh and speaking of which, if you have a question about your character, ask it, but if it's a question about you, go to fucking therapy. I don't have the time. And don't ask the playwright the question instead of me. Yes, your question is stupid and, yes, I'll let you know that, but who is directing the play? Right, not the playwright. Ask me your stupid fucking question.

Q.  What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. I wasn't going to anyway. I don't need to self promote. Also, if you were in the know, you'd have already heard.

But now that you don't want to hear, I'll tell you. There is a lot.

I'm directing a play by Martyna Majok in the Sam French off-off-Broadway Festival called John From Cambridge. It was originally done at EST.

I wrote a short play that will be performed in a roof-top theatre festival and if you are in the know, you'll hear about it. (Also, I don't know what it's called, because, why bother?)

It's not a show, but it's important, I'm casting a feature film called Me and Lizzie. That'll probably be released, like, all over the place.

Also, I run a company AND a brand new theatre, so I have stuff happening all the time. Because I'm important.*

Aren't you going to ask me for a list of jobs that I was asked to do that I turned down that lesser directors are doing? You can call that section "Table Scraps"

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: EVEN THOUGH HE IS MASKING IT BY PRETENDING IT'S A JOKE, IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT MR. LEAVENS DID IN FACT ANSWER THE QUESTION. PROVING THAT HE IS IN FACT, AN ASSHOLE.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. Yeah, but you're more of an asshole for pointing it out.* Thanks for that. 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: TRUE.

Q.  Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. God - seriously. Do I need to explain this?

Anyone who legitimately wants to talk about the Israel Palestine conflict. I mean, seriously, do you think your moronic views are going to change anything. You live thousands of miles away and read a couple of articles on the Huffington Post, so you're an expert all of the sudden. Great. Thanks for your input. 

Liz Carlson - Have you met her? She gets just about every directing job and she's not even that good. If I had a dollar for every time Liz got a job over me and then after they're all "oh, I didn't realize she'd be so young. I thought she was more experienced." Yeah, NO SHIT! She went to the New School. THE NEW SCHOOL. That just automatically makes you a giant asshole.

Q.  Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. I don't, but I did for over ten years, I got kicked out because the landlord doubled the rent for everyone in the building, and I talk about it CONSTANTLY. If you've ever had a conversation with me, I've brought it up, and, you know what, I will again, so deal with it. I had and AWESOME apartment and I lived there before it was cool, when, like, Mexican people lived there.

Q.  Where are you from?

A. I'm from rural Pennsylvania and I never said y'all before I moved to New York. I won't tell you exactly where it is, because you wouldn't know where it was anyway. It's really hard to find.