I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 25: ANDREW SCHNEIDER

Andrew Schneider has a lot of strikes against him asshole-wise:

1. He works with the Wooster Group 

2. He talks SHIT about them in this interview, even though like, they paid him and stuff 

3. THIS PICTURE 

4. He went to NYU 

5. His "producer" actually "contacted" me to be "interviewed" on this "blog" and then I'm pretty sure SHE (he's making his BILLIONS on the backs of female oppression) wrote this entire thing.

6. His "producer" "sent" "me" his "show" "blurb" and THIS is IT:

A conjuror of futuristic shamanism, Andrew Schneider’s YOUARENOWHERE experiments with the virtues of sensory overload via quantum mechanics, parallel universes, and Craiglist’s “Missed Connections”. Battling glitchy transmissions, crackling microphones and lighting instruments falling from the sky, one guy on a mission and a tricked-out interactive new-media landscape merge to transform physical space, warp linear time and short-circuit preconceived notions of what it means to be here now.

7. HE IS A "DOWNTOWN" "THEATER" "ARTIST"

So...without further ado...

Q. Do you think you could have fit any more big words into your show blurb? Are there any you particularly regret leaving out? Who the fuck do you think you are calling yourself "a conjuror," are you some kind of bullshit new age Harry Potter?

A. The word “blurb” is probably the most unpalatable word ever “coined.” I regret nothing.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm mad the word diversity isn't in there.

Q. What do you hate more: working for the Wooster Group, seeing a Wooster Group show or your own asshole?

A. Well, unlike working for Wooster or seeing a Wooster show, I have a pretty good relationship with my asshole. I also, in contrast, try to keep my asshole clean.  Oh, and my asshole’s not racist.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Now that's just mean. I thought the last show I saw of theirs was kind of cute in a 70s "redface is still okay" kind of way. I liked when the white middle aged guys who think they're still really hot went shirtless and wore feathers and war paint. It was adorable, come on. Admit that it was KIND OF sweet.

Q. Now that you're in the COIL festival, do you wish you'd become a doctor?

A. Do you?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: No.

Q.  Does Rachel Chavkin know you are an asshole?

A. I use a pseudonym when I work with nice people.

Q.  If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why? Would it be "downtown theater"?

A. “Curated rental.” Or “brunch.”

Q.  What about your upcoming show are you most excited ab-- ...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. Wait, which show are you talking about? There are the two COIL shows - the one I created and the one I designed for. I also have that residency at Dixon Place through next year and of course playing synth and singing backup with my band AVAN LAVA…*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Wow, you and Young Jean Lee are the only assholes who are big enough asshole to actually plug yourselves. Maybe soon you'll be famous too. Maybe.

Q.  Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole and so are your kids, friends, family, roommates, student loans, ideas, opinions, hopes and dreams?

A. At least I'm not a performance artist.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You aren't? 

Q.  Name 3 people you personally know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole. Bonus points for name dropping here.

A. Yehuda Duenyas. Laurie Anderso- I mean Francis McDorma- I mean Erin Markey. My brother.

Q. Do you dream about quitting the theater and living at some ashram in like Asia or whatever? If yes, you're an asshole. If no, you're an asshole.

A. Uh…becoming a mountain guide in Patagonia, duh.

Q.  Where are you fucking from?

A. Milwaukee. Your welcome.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Your is possessive. I believe you mean "you're" which is the contracted way to say YOU ARE. Just a little helpful hint, asshole.