Sheila Callaghan is an LA based screenwriter. For some reason, she also STILL writes plays, cementing her status as:
I think we can all agree we live in a rape culture. Women are constantly oppressed. I feel oppressed right now, as I sit here typing on my Mac. So I thought--I'm a blogger. I have facebook. I can make a difference. So I'm dedicated this week's blog to interviewing the assholiest women I can find. I'm calling it...
#YESALLASSHOLES week. Why? Because women deserve a chance to prove we are assholes too. It's not fair that society trains us to hide our assholery, and so we have to pretend. Men never pretend. They get to be assholes all the time.
SO NOW WE WILL BE TOO!
To kick off this week, I'm proud to present A Presentation About the Callaghan Of Los Angeles, Formerly Known As the Home of In and Out Burger, From the Armenian Kardashians, Between the Years 1981-2014
Q. Why are you such an asshole even though you're a woman?
A. All women are socialized to be assholes. Otherwise we'd get paid less for doing the same jobs as men. Which will never happen.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I feel so blessed that as a blogger, I get paid exactly as much as my male counterparts. In fact, I think I make MORE than Adam Szymkowicz because someone paid me fifty cents to interview them...and then I didn't.
Q. Are you too emotional to answer these questions?
A. I'm not emotional. I'm hormonal. Get it straight.
Q. Who do you hate more people puppies, old ladies or fucking babies?
A. Old lady puppies fucking babies.
Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor? Is it because you're a woman?
A. I was waiting for permission.
Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole? Or does she still think you're a virgin?
A. YOUR mother certainly doesn't. If you know what I mean.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm sure I do NOT. Davien B. Gould is a fine upstanding citizen and I won't have assholes like you tarnishing her good name.
Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question. Because you're a woman, so I won't want to see your fucking piece of shit shows anyhow.
A. Don't go here, then: http://www.sheilacallaghan.com/upcoming.html*
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I won't.
Q. Do you know that you should be barefoot in the kitchen right now nursing a child and watching Live With Kelly and Whatever Guy it is now?
A. Hang, on... first I gotta climb down this stripper pole, wax my vag, cook a bundt, roll a blunt, teach a spin class, bleach my teeth, and extract this fresh penis from my mouth.*
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: So in other words, a typical Tuesday.
Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. And you need to explain why, or everyone will think you were too weak to be honest and you'll never become a CEO.
A. Prince George of Cambridge, my therapist, and the dude who invented Reddi-Whip. All self-evident.
Q. Is your favorite color pink? Why or why not? It obviously is and if you answer any other way, I won't believe you.
A. Oh Morgan. You put the "men" in "menses."
Q. Describe the sound of the laugh you use to make it seem like you think some important guy you're fucking or having to suck up to at work is funny.
A. Imagine trying to squeeze a drunken ostrich through the slots of a metal fence during a hurricane. With reverb.