Thursday, August 14, 2014

Kara-Lynn is a New York based director 
who apparently also WORKS OUT a lot. 
Fucking ASSHOLE.

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. That's a question poor people ask. Jesus, calm down. 

Who do you like better your Mom or your Dad?

A. My dad's a straight white male who abandoned his family and started over with a second group of suckers he could manipulate with his alcoholic rage.* So I suppose as an asshole myself, I should like my dad better since pretty much everything I know about being an asshole I learned directly from him. Without the SWM privilege, but still.

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: A FUCKING PLEA FOR SYMPATHY???? Typical WOMAN. Next thing you know, you're gonna be tryin' to lift a BOX by yourself and then when a MAN who can ACTUALLY lift it offers to help you're gonna be like, "no, I got it." FUCK YOU ASSHOLE.

How much money would it take for you to be willing to steal candy from a baby? Literally. Or, how much would you pay someone for the privilege?

A. What kind of asshole parent feeds candy to a goddamm baby? I don't even LIKE babies, and I know they shouldn't be eating fucking candy. I wouldn't even steal it, I'd rip the candy out of its little starfish hands while informing telling its nanny to thank me for saving its little life. Plus, gluten.

Q. If 
you could fuck anyone in the world and not call them, and then know they just waited by the phone for days for you to contact them, who would it be?

A. Dorothy Parker. 

What do you have coming up artistically?...Oh wait, no. Go fuck yourselves. No one cares what you do, asshole. Don't you dare fucking answer that.

A. ahhahhahaahaa. "artistically." so cute. you know, it's really more of a CRAFT to

Who is the most insufferable theater person on facebook? (Warning: if you say me, I'll change it to someone you're friends with without telling you.)

A. Sam fucking Rockwell.  I heard that he likes to pick up girls, fuck them (poorly, I'd imagine) and then when they're about to come, he says something like, "i can really feel the cellulite on your thighs" or "you're so much fatter than the girls I usually fuck". True story. Well, I don't know if THAT'S a true story, but it's a true story that I heard from a friend of a friend that he does that. Wait, can I get in trouble for this? 

 Name 3 people you know who are secret assholes--names ones we wouldn't suspect, for god's sake!

1. Derek fucking Ahonen. Never met the guy but he definitely said this, ""That's why the theater is dying.  These safe fucking plays made by nice moms with MFAs"  Really dude? THAT"S why theatre is dying? All the fucking productions of plays by women? And not even cunty fucked up arty women (you know, the only kind that will fuck you) but NICE women who are in debt for the rest of their MFA laden, also had a kid but still for some weird reason think they have still more to offer the world than their baby so instead of sleeping they write, ladies?  THAT'S the reason theatre is dying?  I don't have or even really like kids, but JESUS dude. Wait, was he kidding when he wrote that? I don't want any heat from this interview Morgan!* I want a consequence free life!

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I don't think enough people read this blog for you to receive any heat, but that's sweet. You're sweet. Really, really...sweet...should we make out? You're wearing a short skirt, so I can only assume you'd like to have sex with me.

2. Marguerite fucking Stimpson is a HUGE asshole. She acts all sweet and nice, but she's seriously a devious vampire.Plus her younger brother has six kids. SIX KIDS! 

3. Nick fucking Francone. Seriously. HUGE asshole.

What's your relationship with the L train?

A. I will call a car.

Why the fuck are you in theater when you could have actually DONE SOMETHING with your life you selfish fuck?

A. HEY! BACK OFF! I also work out regularly at Mark Fisher Fitness (holla! Can I have a free tee shirt?) and I call the cleaning lady and I think about volunteering a LOT. (sigh. No I don't. Oh wait, I just did! I just thought about it! YES!)

 Be honest, how long did you spend doing this interview? And if you answer more than 3 minutes, you're the worst kind of asshole and you owe me an explanation.

A. This is my fifth draft.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I am disgusted. DI-FUCKING-SGUSTED. You call yourself a feminist? You're a joke. 

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