Teddy Nicholas is New York based playwright who does drastic things on social media.
Need I say, "asshole?"
Need I say, "asshole?"
Q. Why are you such an asshole?
A. Because nobody would talk to me during lunchtime in elementary school* so I had to go up to all the other kids and punch in them in their faces and say, "YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO ME SO NOW I AM USING VIOLENCE TO SHOW YOU I AM STRONGER THAN YOU." And then I would laugh and laugh. And then I read a lot of books and did really well in school and became kind of smart and talented. And then I got a really well paying job on Broadway so now I'm basically unstoppable.
*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Whatever. This is true of ALL theater people. If we were cool in grade school WE WOULDN'T BE IN THE THEATER. Except for like the 6 female playwrights who are like "oh, yeah, I was a cheerleader" and they ACT like they are embarrassed but secretly it's their way of telling you "I was still cool even though I went into theater...I was NORMAL and it's only my TALENT and ADORABLE QUIRKINESS that makes me a PLAYWRIGHT! I can be both MAINSTREAM and ADORABLY OFF CENTER!!!! But I would never OUTRIGHT say that I think that about myself so I will just say I WAS A CHEERLEADER. That way if you'd like me more if I was popular it works AND if you'd like me more if I was a misfit it WORKS TOO!" So fuck you and fuck them. You're both assholes.
Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?
A. Fucking babies. They are so gross and loud and ugly and fucking annoying. Sometimes I get the desire to grab a poop-factory baby and just step on its ugly head kind of like what I used to do with the cockroaches that used to infest my childhood homes.*
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You grew up in New York City. EVERYONE HAS COCKROACHES. Bullshit plea for sympathy!
Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?
A. Some asshole teachers told me that I could be anything and that since I had some kind of meager talent that I should go towards theater. Boy was THAT a fucking mistake. Ha ha. When I was little, I really wanted to be a lawyer. No lie. I wanted to be a lawyer and make millions. I should have stuck to that plan instead of joining the fucking drama club.*
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Yes. We all should have.
Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?
A. She raised me. Ask her yourself. She's her own woman.
Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?
A. The great lie that you can be anything you want to be in this life.
Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.
A. You don't even deserve to know what magic I have up my sleeve.
Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole?
A. I know that by being an asshole I'm automatically an asshole. Being a theater artist just ups the ante.
Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.
Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?
A. That hipster trash epicenter of nonsense art?* Fuck no. I live in Harlem. Where the real people live.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Hey now, hey. That's EVERY part of New York City. Let's not get personal, here.
Q. Where are you from?
Elmhurst, Queens, NYC! That's right. A fucking Native New Yorker in the house. How many bullshit theater artists do you know that can claim as such?