Colleen Werthmann is a New York based writer, performer and woman. #YESALLASSHOLES.
Q. Why are you such an asshole even though you're a woman?
A. "Even though"? This presupposes that women are inherently NOT assholes. Wrong. What kind of backwards fuckface are you? Is your ass literally your face? Does your head have a crack down the middle and an anus for a nose? Oh, it does. Ucch, you're disgusting. The least you could do is wipe off the skidmarks. Although I do give you props for committing to being a true asshole, and not bleaching.
Q. Are you too emotional to answer these questions?
A. I can't hear you over my heaving sobs and gushing hormones, you dumb bitch.
Q. Who do you hate more people puppies, old ladies or fucking babies? Fucking babies. You should at least be a toddler before you have sex. It's like, I get it, you're young and cute. don't throw it in my face, you little shits. You deserve HPV. Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor? Is it because you're a woman? A. I didn't become a doctor because why the fuck would I want to spend the majority of my life interacting with a bunch of losers complaining about themselves? That's why I do THEATER! Why do you care if I'm a doctor? Are you one of those douchebags who when they meet a doctor at a party chat them up to get a free consultation? Really fucking classy. Oh, and uh, why the fuck don't you go be a doctor instead of running a crappy blog, you whore?
Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole? Or does she still think you're a virgin?
A. Again: this presupposes virgins AREN'T assholes. Your entire mode of thinking is so antediluvian (LOOK IT UP IDIOT) you have a spider crawling out of your eye socket, that's how old and dead you are. But if you really want to know (BONUS POINTS CATCHER IN THE RYE REFERENCE IF IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR MARK DAVID CHAPMAN IT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME), my mother most definitely knows I'm an asshole. There's no way in HELL she thinks I'm a virgin because when I was in college I told her I was going on birth control, and later my sisters told me she burst into tears with them and said "it's not what you want to hear from your daughter." I guess she would've preferred me to have a bunch of abortions. Which sounds great, actually. I've had like 30 abortions just for fun.
Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question. Because you're a woman, so I won't want to see your fucking piece of shit shows anyhow.
A. I get it. Well, Morgan, I don't wanna see your bukkake videos any more than you wanna see my shows. I know you love them, so much that it's hard to leave the house. Know what? You just go on ahead and save your money for something more important like Valtrex, or rehab, or a new outfit, because you look -- how do I put it? Not pathetic, not ridiculous -- Oh, I know -- "drenched in jizz." Q. Do you know that you should be barefoot in the kitchen right now nursing a child and watching Live With Kelly and Whatever Guy it is now?
A. Bitch, like you don't know it's Michael Strahan? Bitch, please. As it happens, I'm barefoot in my computer room because who does computers in the kitchen? Robots?!!? But honestly, Morgan (what a pretentious name if that is in fact your real name)*, you're right. I should be nursing a child because my husband wants to have a baby and it would make my family think of me as a worthwhile person instead of a selfish failing fartist. But I'm so old, my ovaries are like crumbling tumbleweeds coughing out little tiny puffs of dust mites. Maybe we'll wind up adopting a kid to prevent more horrible human beings from taking up valuable resources. Gimme a Nobel prize. NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: My real name is actually Chuck Mee. So FUCK YOU. You clearly don't respect women. CLEARLY.
Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. And you need to explain why, or everyone will think you were too weak to be honest and you'll never become a CEO.
A. Only three? What am I, a fucking hippie? Also, hahaha, I love how you think everyone should be a doctor or a CEO. What did you, go to Brandeis?* Nice class issues! Nice values! #BourgeoisBoringSkank
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I did not, no. THANKS A LOT THOUGH, WOMAN HATER.
Here are just a FEW of the people I hate: U.S. Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), because not only does his slimy skeevy shitty face make me want to bulldoze him into the ground like the end of A Fish Called Wanda, he also looks like Beaker from the Muppet Show. Renee Zellweger for being a smug squinty priss catface dickwad. All people who think that cutting off female genital mutilation is a worthwhile tradition. Pope Francis, for pretending to be the cool Pope while not really confronting deeply any of the true major issues of the church (sex abuse, women priests, contraception). The ultimate douchebags the Koch Brothers!!! for their nightmarish underhanded sneaky right-wing agenda and because they own Bounty paper towels now I can't even use them anymore and it kills me because they're the best paper towels by far. Those "ology" ones from Duane Reade are a twisted perversion of the notion of absorbency. I could go on and on, but I'm meeting a friend for a drink and I care way more about that drink than your little hobby here.* NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: There she goes CHEAPENING the artistic PURSUITS of women. WHAT A MISOGYNIST!
Q. Is your favorite color pink? Why or why not? It obviously is and if you answer any other way, I won't believe you.
A. It is because it reminds me of how stupid the people who run breast cancer charities are.
Q. Describe the sound of the laugh you use to make it seem like you think some important guy you're fucking or having to suck up to at work is funny.