Q. Why are you such an asshole?
A. I mean: have you seen my face? I'm a classic fuck-face. And I don't care.
It also does not help that I'm friends with you*.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: It's bold to suggest we're friends. But then again, he IS an asshole.
Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?
A. Who hates puppies!? I mean seriously: go fuck yourself for even suggesting such a thing!
Puppies are amazing.
Old ladies or babies.
Hmm.
I mean: old ladies are useless. And annoying.
But let's be honest: babies are the worst. Like: stop having fucking babies already.
Yeah. Fuck babies.
Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?
A. Working on it.
Yes, I'm serious.
...
Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?
A. Yes. My father was also an asshole*, so it appears I got the "gene" for it.
Also: fuck babies.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Waaah waaah I'm a white guy with daddy issues!!! WAAAH!!!!! ASSHOLE!
Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?
A. Diversity*
Maybe
Gender Equality*
Toss up.
Because I don't know.
*Just kidding. I love these things. I'm not that much of an asshole.
(But seriously: can we joke about these things yet? No? Just checking.)
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What a wimp. He can't even just be an asshole without PRETENDING to not be an asshole. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. We all know he secretly DOESN'T like diversity or gender equality. At least be straight white man enough to admit it.
Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.
A. Okay.
Who has fucking time to talk about their shows, when all you do it talk about yours? And Amir Wachterman.
Seriously. That's like all you do.
But back to me….
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: And yet Dominic, THE ASSHOLE...my so called "friend" HAS NEVER ONCE come to see one of my Amir Wachterman laced fatty queer shows. NOT ONCE. FUCK OFF. It's assholes like him that made me resort to a BLOG.
Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole?
A. I think so. But then I see a Robert Askins play, or a new Will Harper star vehicle.*
And then I feel like I'm kind of nicer in a way. At least nicer than those two pricks.
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Nice name dropping, ASSHOLE. At least name really famous people. Jesus.
Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.
A. Robert Askins. That guy is a big bald Texas prick.
William Jackson Harper: because just fuck that guy. "I'm talented, my name is Will Harper blah blah blah." It's like we get it already. You are great, Will. Also he's shitty at texting back. Also he's from Texas.
Suzy Fay aka "The Fay." She looks like the nicest person in the world. Always smiling and hugging and helping playwrights. But really she's a fucking monster. You have no idea. Don't cross her. Again, she's also from Texas.
Basically: if you are from Texas*: Fuck You!
*I was also born in Texas.
Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?
A. Do I look like I have bed bugs?
Um.
No.
If Joshua Conkel loves it so much: he can keep it.
(For the record: Conkel was number 4 on my asshole list. But Suzy Fay Edged him out.)
Q. Where are you from?
A. My mom's V.
GFYS.
Love,
Dommy
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