Q. Why are you such an asshole, pussy?
Q. If you weren't a cat would you be a theater artist or a doctor?
A. Are you single? Do you "do" open relationships? I don't. Babe, I can spoon the shit out of you. Like a boss. I would play doctor with you so hard it hurts. You would be my extra special lady and I would play doctor with you so sweet it doesn't hurt. All of these things y mas.
Q. Why do you like to lick yourself so much? Why not take a fucking shower, asshole!
A. I can lick my empty balls all day long. I can clean my face without soap with the same tongue I use to clean my empty balls. Mama, I wanna get with you. Like a boss. Like a boss's boss. Like a CEO, I wanna get with you. I wanna get with you like it's my job. A job where I am the boss and CEO. All this showering is selfish, fucking use up all the water in the world and people in China don't have any water.
Q. What shows do you have coming up?
A. Now who's the asswad? You are. Do you see anybody doing a production of that fucking Conor Mcfuckingpherson play with the cat in it? No. Do you see anybody doing a production of Breakfast at Tiffany's? No. Right. Well, that's the cat rolls out there. Okay. Do you see anybody writing Fiddler on the Cat? I didn't think so. Do you see anybody writing The Motherfucker with the Cat? I don't think so. The problem is not that there aren't thousands of cats who are so fucking talented, it's that you people complain there's a pipeline problem and you can't find any cats talented enough for your shows. You can take your pipeline and shove it up your theatrical asshole because I'm tired of being marginalized. I have an MFA. I have a PhD. I have a driver's license. I have rollerblades. I read Greek. I was an extra in a Marky Mark video. I can do a Polish accent. I have two southern dialects and I am ambidextrous. What the fuck more do you people want? Cast me and I will have some fucking shows coming up. Pretty soon I'm going to have to start writing my own shit because you maroons can't recognize talent. You're so insular. And when I say you, I mean you. Doesn't mean I don't still wanna get with you mama, but I need you to know that I've got rage about being marginalized. I work on this body night and day, my instrument is like a freakin stradavarius and still, you people cast Denzel Washington in A Raisin in the Sun? Are you kidding me? That dude is so old he could play the fucking raisin in the fucking sun. My dreams are deferred. And if I wasn't an asshole, I would make a pun on de-furred. But I am an asshole so I won't. And fuck you and fuck everyone in your family. And fuck everyone you went to elementary, middle and high school with. I didn't think you could upset me, but you did. I hate that question. I have no shows coming up.
Q. Why are you generally so disdainful? Why can't you be more like a dog and less like an asshole?
A. I'm more dog than you'll ever be and more dog than you'll ever have. Get up on that.
Q. Kitty litter. Let's talk about it.
A. It's cat litter, fartrocket.
Q. Pet peeves?
A. Let me ask you something, do you love pussy? Or love your own pussy? Or the pussy you rode in on? When you call someone a pussy, and you mean it like an insult, you fucking piss me off. What does somebody's gash have to do with them being likeable? When I really want to insult someone, I call them a thyroid. Try it out.
Q. Who do you like better, your owner or that fucking dumb ass mouse toy you play with?
A. I could ask you the same question. I don't do ownership. I go where I want, when I want and how I want. The rule is I don't leave the apartment if I'm not on a leash. And she can't leave without her necklace on.
Q. Why are so many people allergic to you?
A. Fucking fakers. It's hilarious. They're all, oh, I can't, I get hives, I sneeze or some shit and then they are near you and they're like, Oh my god I'm normally totally allergic to cats but this one, I'm not, isn't that crazy? Fucking thyroids. It's like, no, you just don't like cats so you say you're allergic to them. Imagine if I come to your house and you've got a friend over and I'm like, oh, no I can't come in your room, I'm allergic to Koreans. You'd be all up in my face about how that's not appropriate and how I should get to know more of them before I make that conclusion. Or that this Korean is different from most Koreans. What's funny though is I love Koreans, one of my best friends is Korean, but we had a rocky start. Basically though, anyone who says they're allergic, like 95.349% of those people are a bunch of thyroids.
A. How do I feel about rape? I hate it. You all should stop raping each other and take naps. It's better for the environment, too. To quote Lionel Richie, siesta forever. Is this the last question? I'm not quoting Lionel Richie anymore, this is real. What the fuck? This questionnaire is like some Romper Room Barney shit. I thought you were going to ask me some Susan Sontag Edward Said thoughtful shit. But mama, if you ever want to go out, I will treat you right. I'll take you to karaoke. I'll take you to Coney Island. I'll take you to some American Ballet all-male Swan Lake and we can watch their junk fly through the air. I'll take you to Per Se. Ha, no I won't. I don't get paid enough for that. But I'll take you dancing, I'll take you on the Staten Island Ferry and I'll watch Netflix with you (as long as I get to pick). We're done here. I have another call coming in, my manager. Pax Romana, mama. Live and let die. Be the change in your wallet. That wasn't my manager, that's a Canadian number. What are you up to? You thinking what I'm thinking?
NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I have no notes.