I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 9: JESSE CAMERON ALICK

Please welcome to DIVERSITY WEEK....
 Jesse Cameron Alick: The Public Theater's very own asshole. 
One of them, anyway.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: If you know Jesse, you may be thinking that he's not an asshole. But, oh, he is. He's the worst kind of asshole because he HIDES his assholery, only allowing it to come out in secret, with friends or while chemically altered. What an asshole. I have tailored the questions to reflect the bullshit secrecy.

Q. Why are you such a secret asshole?

A. I am judge, jury, and executioner when it comes to art.  Making bad art is a sin. If you do it I'll pretend not to notice but really I'm bathing you in judgment juice.  Then I'll write your no-talented lame ass into one of my play and use your real name. Done it before, will do it again.

Q. Why are you such a pussy that you aren't just a full on asshole? Why keep it a secret? What are you afraid of, dick?

A. I'm a born and raised Buddhist, as well as a self-proclaimed Zen Master. So I clearly have a rep to protect. It's not about fear though. I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING! Fuck fear. What was I doing at 4? While you were finger painting and pissing yourself, I was meditating my last drops of fear away. But your hand turkey was cute though.  Fear is beneath me. Just like most other people. To answer what would surely be your follow up question: Yes, the view is amazing from this moral high ground of mine.

Q.  Would you rather make a white nun cry so hard she wets herself or make a sweet old black lady puke with disgust? (This question is racially charged, please take note.)

A. The cracker nun.* She'd cry cause she'd realize she'll never be as pure as I am. Keep on praying, Sister Mary Robert. Nirvana is only a sniffle away!

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm offended. People of color are racist towards white people and I'm mad about it. It's just as bad as when white people are racist!

Q.  How dare you work in the theater? Like, what makes you think that's ok? And are you aware that's it's completely asshole-ish of you, when you could have made something or yourself?

A. Isn't it obvious? I mean, just look at me. I'm way too cute to be chiropractor. No joke, there's a published poem about how perfect my ass is. I’m serious.  Google it.  Yeah, you know you want this. It’s okay - if I ran a theater, I'd want to hire me too.

Also I'm mad smart. Way smarter than your average middle manager.* Sorry. Just being honest here.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Listen to him brag about how he's a MANAGER at THE PUBLIC. I bet Oskar has you on fucking speed dial, asshole. I bet you fucking RIDE OSKAR'S BIKE AND BORROW HIS PLAID SHIRTS DURING STAFF MEETINGS. FUCK YOU.

Q. What do you like better, naps or fucking people you don't really know that well over?

A. I get grumpy if I don't do both of these things on a daily basis.

Q. What do you have coming up! Shameless plugs, please! OH WAIT I DONT GIVE A FUCK AND IF YOU ANSWER THIS, I'M COMING TO EACH THING AND RUINING IT.

A. You haven't heard of it already? Oh. I thought you were a professional. Mmmkay. Well there's this paper called the New York Times you might want to check out sometime...

Q.  Name 3 people you know who are assholes. They all have to be people who you know in real life. Don't fucking say Mitt Romney. For fucks sake, grow a pair.

A. Composer, Lucas Cantor – he’s like the king of assholes.  Other assholes sacrifice their children before statues of him in hopes of one day being as big of a jerk as he is. 

Actor, Ruy Iskandar – This guy works CONSTANTLY.  And how this happens, I will never ever understand.  I mean, sure he’s brilliant, but that attitude?  Oh child.  Man, what are we gluttons for punishment?

Playwright, Kevin Snipes – Don’t even try to get into a witty argument with him where you’re supposed to playfully trade fun little barbs.  He will END you. 

Q.  How many pairs of skinny jeans do you own? Do you feel it's proportional to how big of an asshole you are? Do you own a moleskin notebook? If so, die.

A. It's not really about the skinny jeans, it's more about the large belt buckle I wear to draw your attention to my crotch.

Casually ignoring the boring parts of this question, I will say that I own a moleskin SUIT that I wear when I'm writing.* Or going to the corner bodega.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Like how he's all like, "when I'm writing..." STOP RUBBING IT IN OUR FACES.

Q. What's the most asshole thing you've done today?

A. Oh. What a cute question.

Q. What's your favorite color?

A. Brown. To be exact, the shade of my beautiful burnt caramel skin. Nameste bitches.