I INTERVIEW #EMERGING! ASSHOLES PART 20: BAILEY WILLIAMS

Bailey Williams is a New York based playwright who also works for Antje Oegel.* 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That's right, us #emerging! assholes all have two completely contrasting lives. One that exists in a small office that we regularly use to print illicit copies of our pathetic attempts to transcend our day jobs, and one that begins when our bosses finally decide we can leave!  If we're lucky, we like the former. If we're not lucky, we will never admit that due to crippling amounts of student loan debt, we will always be the Jekyll and Hydes of the American Theatre! Thanks for the office supplies, though, folks! 

PS I like my job. 

PPS Look out for the WORLD PREMIERE of "Please Don't Fire Me!" a cite specific new play by Morgan Gould. It takes place in my office...after hours. I printed every page of it at Fedex.

PPPS Antje if you are reading this, my 9-5 self has had the great pleasure of working with Bailey's 9-5 self and she is extremely competent, helpful, and prompt in her replies. 

PPPS Everyone else reading this: she is STILL an asshole. 

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. I have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and a drinking problem. I went to NYU for Dramatic Writing*. I recently spent time in a Floridian resort, where I complained loudly about the quality of the pina coladas. I have a personal blog**. There are a lot of things at work here. 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I mean...I just...I don't even really have to say anything here. 

**NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR POINT?

Q. Who do you like better your Mom or your Dad?

A. Neither. I don't like anyone. 

Q. How much money would it take for you to be willing to steal candy from a baby? Literally. Or, how much would you pay someone for the privilege?

A. Nothing. I would do it for free. Babies need to learn about assholes early to better prepare them for life. It would be NICE of me to steal candy from every goddamn baby I see.  

Q. If you could fuck anyone in the world and not call them, and then know they just waited by the phone for days for you to contact them, who would it be?

A. Kim Jong Un.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That is racist, and the owners and editors of this blog do not claim to support, share or condone this viewpoint. Only Matthew Freeman does.

Q. What do you have coming up artistically?...Oh wait, no. Go fuck yourselves. No one cares what you do, asshole. Don't you dare fucking answer that.

A. Fuck you, Morgan.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Valid.

Q. Who is the most insufferable theater person on facebook? (Warning: if you say me, I'll change it to someone you're friends with without telling you.)

A. Chris Tyler. Shut the fuck up about Prelude.13, Chris Tyler. 

Q. Name 3 people you know who are secret assholes--names ones we wouldn't suspect, for god's sake!

A. Working for a literary agency I have access to all the secret asshole information of which the theater world only DREAMS. I know EVERY SECRET. And I'll never fucking tell, Morgan, not until my tell-all zine that I will distribute at Prelude.14. 

Q. What's your relationship with the L train?

A. Sometimes I have to transfer to the L from the G train to get to all my favorite Bushwick bars and restaurants! ;)

Q. Why the fuck are you in theater when you could have actually DONE SOMETHING with your life you selfish fuck?

A. Good question. It's because I am the most important person in the world and my art really reflects that. Through art, I can maintain 100% focus on my own personal issues. 

Q. Be honest, how long did you spend doing this interview? And if you answer more than 3 minutes, you're the worst kind of asshole and you owe me an explanation.

A. Over a week. Morgan made edits to this questionnaire. She is being dishonest about the editorial process and she needs to be held accountable.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I merely added the BONUS QUESTIONS below as a nod to CURATION which, if you were any sort of downtown artist like you CLAIM to be, you would appreciate rather than mock. Oh...you don't know what CURATION is??? Call Caleb Hammons. He'll calmly explain it to you in his southern drawl. Maybe then you'll SHUT YOUR YAP, ASSHOLE.

BONUS Qs, also found on the Lincoln Center Director's Lab Application:

BONUS: What's your favorite application to get rejected from every year and who at that organization is the biggest asshole?

Ars Nova*/admin assistant Eric Shethar. I used to watch him sneer and drink his stupid coconut water every day when I interned there. You wouldn't believe how many tote bags this man owns (at least 10). 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: "I got married there!" - ARS NOVA DEVELOPMENT VIDEO. 'NUFF SAID.

BONUS: Do you remember where you were when they announced that Annie Baker and Rajiv Joseph were getting Steinberg Awards for being "up and coming" playwrights last year?

Yes, I literally following Annie Baker into a deli on 5th Avenue in Park Slope. She bought three 40 ounces of Michelob Ultra and a $5 designer chocolate bar. She told the counter man she was getting "hella turnt."  

BONUS: What would be the first thing you would do if you got a NYIT Award?

Return it. I'm aiming for the big-time recognition: an OBIE!

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 19: TEDDY NICHOLAS

Teddy Nicholas is New York based playwright who does drastic things on social media. 
Need I say, "asshole?"

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. Because nobody would talk to me during lunchtime in elementary school* so I had to go up to all the other kids and punch in them in their faces and say, "YOU WOULDN'T TALK TO ME SO NOW I AM USING VIOLENCE TO SHOW YOU I AM STRONGER THAN YOU." And then I would laugh and laugh. And then I read a lot of books and did really well in school and became kind of smart and talented. And then I got a really well paying job on Broadway so now I'm basically unstoppable. 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Whatever. This is true of ALL theater people. If we were cool in grade school WE WOULDN'T BE IN THE THEATER. Except for like the 6 female playwrights who are like "oh, yeah, I was a cheerleader" and they ACT like they are embarrassed but secretly it's their way of telling you "I was still cool even though I went into theater...I was NORMAL and it's only my TALENT and ADORABLE QUIRKINESS that makes me a PLAYWRIGHT! I can be both MAINSTREAM and ADORABLY OFF CENTER!!!! But I would never OUTRIGHT say that I think that about myself so I will just say I WAS A CHEERLEADER. That way if you'd like me more if I was popular it works AND if you'd like me more if I was a misfit it WORKS TOO!" So fuck you and fuck them. You're both assholes.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Fucking babies. They are so gross and loud and ugly and fucking annoying. Sometimes I get the desire to grab a poop-factory baby and just step on its ugly head kind of like what I used to do with the cockroaches that used to infest my childhood homes.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You grew up in New York City. EVERYONE HAS COCKROACHES. Bullshit plea for sympathy!

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. Some asshole teachers told me that I could be anything and that since I had some kind of meager talent that I should go towards theater. Boy was THAT a fucking mistake. Ha ha. When I was little, I really wanted to be a lawyer. No lie. I wanted to be a lawyer and make millions. I should have stuck to that plan instead of joining the fucking drama club.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Yes. We all should have. 

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. She raised me. Ask her yourself. She's her own woman. 

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. The great lie that you can be anything you want to be in this life. 

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. You don't even deserve to know what magic I have up my sleeve. 

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. I know that by being an asshole I'm automatically an asshole. Being a theater artist just ups the ante. 

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. William Shakespeare. David Mamet. Andy Horowitz.

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. That hipster trash epicenter of nonsense art?* Fuck no. I live in Harlem. Where the real people live. 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Hey now, hey. That's EVERY part of New York City. Let's not get personal, here.

Q. Where are you from?

Elmhurst, Queens, NYC! That's right. A fucking Native New Yorker in the house. How many bullshit theater artists do you know that can claim as such?

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 18: WINTER MILLER'S CAT

Winter Miller's cat is an asshole.

Q. Why are you such an asshole, pussy?

A. I am more of an asshole than you'll ever be and more of an asshole you'll ever have. 

Q. If you weren't a cat would you be a theater artist or a doctor?

A. Are you single? Do you "do" open relationships? I don't. Babe, I can spoon the shit out of you. Like a boss. I would play doctor with you so hard it hurts. You would be my extra special lady and I would play doctor with you so sweet it doesn't hurt. All of these things y mas.

Q. Why do you like to lick yourself so much? Why not take a fucking shower, asshole!

A. I can lick my empty balls all day long. I can clean my face without soap with the same tongue I use to clean my empty balls. Mama, I wanna get with you. Like a boss. Like a boss's boss. Like a CEO, I wanna get with you. I wanna get with you like it's my job. A job where I am the boss and CEO. All this showering is selfish, fucking use up all the water in the world and people in China don't have any water. 

Q. What shows do you have coming up? 

A. Now who's the asswad? You are. Do you see anybody doing a production of that fucking Conor Mcfuckingpherson play with the cat in it? No. Do you see anybody doing a production of Breakfast at Tiffany's? No. Right. Well, that's the cat rolls out there. Okay. Do you see anybody writing Fiddler on the Cat? I didn't think so. Do you see anybody writing The Motherfucker with the Cat? I don't think so. The problem is not that there aren't thousands of cats who are so fucking talented, it's that you people complain there's a pipeline problem and you can't find any cats talented enough for your shows. You can take your pipeline and shove it up your theatrical asshole because I'm tired of being marginalized. I have an MFA. I have a PhD. I have a driver's license. I have rollerblades. I read Greek. I was an extra in a Marky Mark video. I can do a Polish accent. I have two southern dialects and I am ambidextrous. What the fuck more do you people want? Cast me and I will have some fucking shows coming up. Pretty soon I'm going to have to start writing my own shit because you maroons can't recognize talent. You're so insular. And when I say you, I mean you. Doesn't mean I don't still wanna get with you mama, but I need you to know that I've got rage about being marginalized. I work on this body night and day, my instrument is like a freakin stradavarius and still, you people cast Denzel Washington in A Raisin in the Sun? Are you kidding me? That dude is so old he could play the fucking raisin in the fucking sun. My dreams are deferred. And if I wasn't an asshole, I would make a pun on de-furred. But I am an asshole so I won't. And fuck you and fuck everyone in your family. And fuck everyone you went to elementary, middle and high school with. I didn't think you could upset me, but you did. I hate that question. I have no shows coming up.  

Q. Why are you generally so disdainful? Why can't you be more like a dog and less like an asshole?

A. I'm more dog than you'll ever be and more dog than you'll ever have. Get up on that. 

Q. Kitty litter. Let's talk about it.

A. It's cat litter, fartrocket. 

Q. Pet peeves?

A. Let me ask you something, do you love pussy? Or love your own pussy? Or the pussy you rode in on? When you call someone a pussy, and you mean it like an insult, you fucking piss me off. What does somebody's gash have to do with them being likeable? When I really want to insult someone, I call them a thyroid. Try it out. 

Q. Who do you like better, your owner or that fucking dumb ass mouse toy you play with?

A. I could ask you the same question. I don't do ownership. I go where I want, when I want and how I want. The rule is I don't leave the apartment if I'm not on a leash. And she can't leave without her necklace on. 

Q. Why are so many people allergic to you?

A. Fucking fakers. It's hilarious. They're all, oh, I can't, I get hives, I sneeze or some shit and then they are near you and they're like, Oh my god I'm normally totally allergic to cats but this one, I'm not, isn't that crazy? Fucking thyroids. It's like, no, you just don't like cats so you say you're allergic to them. Imagine if I come to your house and you've got a friend over and I'm like, oh, no I can't come in your room, I'm allergic to Koreans. You'd be all up in my face about how that's not appropriate and how I should get to know more of them before I make that conclusion. Or that this Korean is different from most Koreans. What's funny though is I love Koreans, one of my best friends is Korean, but we had a rocky start. Basically though, anyone who says they're allergic, like 95.349% of those people are a bunch of thyroids. 

Q. How do you feel about naps?

A. How do I feel about rape? I hate it. You all should stop raping each other and take naps. It's better for the environment, too. To quote Lionel Richie, siesta forever. Is this the last question? I'm not quoting Lionel Richie anymore, this is real. What the fuck? This questionnaire is like some Romper Room Barney shit. I thought you were going to ask me some Susan Sontag Edward Said thoughtful shit. But mama, if you ever want to go out, I will treat you right. I'll take you to karaoke. I'll take you to Coney Island. I'll take you to some American Ballet all-male Swan Lake and we can watch their junk fly through the air. I'll take you to Per Se. Ha, no I won't. I don't get paid enough for that. But I'll take you dancing, I'll take you on the Staten Island Ferry and I'll watch Netflix with you (as long as I get to pick). We're done here. I have another call coming in, my manager. Pax Romana, mama. Live and let die. Be the change in your wallet. That wasn't my manager, that's a Canadian number. What are you up to? You thinking what I'm thinking?

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I have no notes.

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 17: BECCA BLACKWELL

Becca Blackwell is a New York based asshole. 
They perform and write and stuff, too, I guess. 
Man, what an asshole.

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. Because I was molested. Duh.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: So...what are we supposed to do with that? God. Way to make ME uncomfortable. WAY TO GO, ASSHOLE.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Babies. Hands down. 

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. Refer to answer #1*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Refer to Note From the Editor 1

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. My mother has Alzheimer's. However, at one point she might have thought I was an asshole when I stripped naked in my room, barricaded the door and pissed in a trash can.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Whoa that is just SO ZANY!!! You are just...YOU'RE THE ZANIEST!! You are your DEVIL MAY CARE ATTITUDE and your PLAYFUL SENSE OF DANGER AND ADVENTURE! Were you like, in a frat? You're SO FUCKING COOL. ASSHOLE.**

**NOTE FROM THE EDITOR 2: Okay, so what if I think that image is hot? So fucking what? So WHAT, asshole.

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. Just had to look up the word 'concept.' an idea or invention to help sell or publicize a commodity. So, I guess capitalism. Sorry, Dad.

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. I'm really excited about my new play.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: SHUT THE FUCK UP, ASSHOLE.

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. Asshole by only staying in the business after I played the role of "Hair" from the lithographs of Max Ernst that were made into a play based on Grotowski exercises.* In the early 90's. 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Wow. One of THOSE theater assholes. Guess what, dickhead?? I know who UTA HAGEN is. FUCK OFF.

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. Anyone offended by my answers, Morgan Gould for asking me to do this, and probably my paternal grandmother. 

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. Greenpoint, the Polish Williamsburg. 

Q. Where are you from?

A. I was adopted. There are rumors though.

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 16: DOMINIC D'ANDREA

Dominic D'Andrea is a New York based director and producer, and the founder of the 1 Minute Play Festival, which is basically the most asshole idea in the universe.

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. I mean: have you seen my face? I'm a classic fuck-face. And I don't care. 

A person with a face that instantly pisses you off the moment you see it and you have to fight an incredible urge to smash him or her in the mouth. (Source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=FuckFace) 

It also does not help that I'm friends with you*. 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: It's bold to suggest we're friends. But then again, he IS an asshole.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Who hates puppies!? I mean seriously: go fuck yourself for even suggesting such a thing!

Puppies are amazing. 

Old ladies or babies.

Hmm. 

I mean: old ladies are useless. And annoying. 

But let's be honest: babies are the worst. Like: stop having fucking babies already.

Yeah. Fuck babies. 

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. Working on it. 

Yes, I'm serious.

...

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. Yes. My father was also an asshole*, so it appears I got the "gene" for it.

Also: fuck babies.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Waaah waaah I'm a white guy with daddy issues!!! WAAAH!!!!! ASSHOLE!

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. Diversity* 

Maybe 

Gender Equality* 

Toss up.

Because I don't know.

*Just kidding. I love these things. I'm not that much of an asshole. 

(But seriously: can we joke about these things yet? No? Just checking.)

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: What a wimp. He can't even just be an asshole without PRETENDING to not be an asshole. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. We all know he secretly DOESN'T like diversity or gender equality. At least be straight white man enough to admit it.

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. Okay. 

Who has fucking time to talk about their shows, when all you do it talk about yours? And Amir Wachterman. 

Seriously. That's like all you do. 

But back to me…. 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: And yet Dominic, THE ASSHOLE...my so called "friend" HAS NEVER ONCE come to see one of my Amir Wachterman laced fatty queer shows. NOT ONCE. FUCK OFF. It's assholes like him that made me resort to a BLOG.

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. I think so. But then I see a Robert Askins play, or a new Will Harper star vehicle.* 

And then I feel like I'm kind of nicer in a way. At least nicer than those two pricks. 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Nice name dropping, ASSHOLE. At least name really famous people. Jesus.

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. Robert Askins. That guy is a big bald Texas prick.

William Jackson Harper: because just fuck that guy. "I'm talented, my name is Will Harper blah blah blah." It's like we get it already. You are great, Will. Also he's shitty at texting back. Also he's from Texas. 

Suzy Fay aka "The Fay." She looks like the nicest person in the world. Always smiling and hugging and helping playwrights. But really she's a fucking monster. You have no idea. Don't cross her. Again, she's also from Texas.

Basically: if you are from Texas*: Fuck You!

*I was also born in Texas. 

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. Do I look like I have bed bugs?

Um. 

No.

If Joshua Conkel loves it so much: he can keep it. 

(For the record: Conkel was number 4 on my asshole list. But Suzy Fay Edged him out.) 

Q. Where are you from?

A. My mom's V.

GFYS.

Love,

Dommy 

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 15: TOMMY SMITH

Tommy Smith is a New York/ LA based asshole. 
He also writes plays, too.

Q. 1. Why are you such an asshole?

A. My characters say really racist and sexist things that often get confused for my actual opinion. Then I'm a fucking asshole to anyone who says I'm racist or sexist.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: So...what you're saying is...you're an asshole.

Q. Who do you like better your Mom or your Dad?

 

A. They're at a dead heat.

Q.  How much money would it take for you to be willing to steal candy from a baby? Literally. Or, how much would you pay someone for the privilege?

A. Depends on the candy. I'll do it for free if it's Haribo.

Q.  If you could fuck anyone in the world and not call them, and then know they just waited by the phone for days for you to contact them, who would it be?

A. My girlfriend.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I don't know if this is sweet or abusive. Either way, go for it, asshole!

Q.  What do you have coming up artistically?...Oh wait, no. Go fuck yourselves. No one cares what you do, asshole. Don't you dare fucking answer that.

A. *

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I'm proud of you.

Q.  Who is the most insufferable theater person on facebook? (Warning: if you say me, I'll change it to someone you're friends with without telling you.)

A. Any playwright writing for television.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: This is the kind of asshole I aspire to be.

Q.  Name 3 people you know who are secret assholes-names ones we wouldn't suspect, for god's sake!

A. Just three? Their names rhyme with Med Fishblander, Blare-Uh-Full-Cold-A-Witch and Sparin' Firehand.

Q.  What's your relationship with the L train?

A. (Insert snide remark about the L Train)

Q.  Why the fuck are you in theater when you could have actually DONE SOMETHING with your life you selfish fuck?

A.  I know, right? I don't have a trust fund and I'm not related to a celebrity, so I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You could always pay $15 for the chance to WRITE AT A WINDOW!!!!

Q.  Be honest, how long did you spend doing this interview? And if you answer more than 3 minutes, you're the worst kind of asshole and you owe me an explanation.

A. 17 minutes while walking.

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 14: ADAM SZYMKOWICZ

Hello readers, assholes, and asshole admirers:

We are back to our regularly scheduled assholery. We had our woman slot, our diversity slot, so now we're back to white guys, just like the rest of the American Theater. Phew. Finally. That other stuff was so boring. In honor of this day I give you the biggest asshole on the internet, Adam Szymkowicz.

Adam Szymkowicz is straight, white and a guy. 
He's a PLAYWRIGHT who interviews PLAYWRIGHTS. 
What an ASSHOLE. 

Q. Why are you such an asshole? 

A. Are you trying to be funny?  You know what you should read?  The Onion. The Onion is funny. Try to be more like that. Or like Saturday Night Live when it was funny.  Or Neil Simon. 

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Fucking babies. I'm a stay at home dad or house husband as we prefer to be called.* Fucking babies!!  They're disgusting.

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Look at this dick trying to seem like he's not an asshole by casually mentioning that he's a fucking STAY AT HOME DAD. FUCK YOU. I know your tricks, and you're still an asshole.

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A. Too dumb. And I faint at the sight of blood. Why aren't you a nurse? Or like a clown who visits sick kids*. Or like someone who does something useful?

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I hope this isn't a Robin Williams jab, asshole.

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. Does your mother know you're pathetically trying to cash in on the snark of a selfie generation you're too old for,* flailing your arms all over the internet shouting "Me!Me!Me!"?

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: EXCUSE ME BUT I AM EXACTLY THE RIGHT AGE TO CASH IN ON THE SNARK OF A SELFIE GENERATION. IT'S MY GENERATION! MINE DAMN IT!!! I WOULD HAVE MORE SELFIES THAN ANYONE EXCEPT I'M FAT SO I HAVE A FUCKING BLOG INSTEAD. WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, BLOGGER?! FUCKING ASSHOLE. PS My mom doesn't have facebook, so NO, she still loves me. FUCK OFF.

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. Meh. 

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

A. Blue. 

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. No. I'll believe it when Isherwood says it's true. Or American Theater Magazine. 

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A.

You. 

You!

Derek Ahonen. 

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. I don't know what that is. But I'm not going to look it up.  

Q. Where are you from?

A. Pretentious tortured artists land.  I hate myself and everybody. Where are you from?  Like Woods Hole?*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: So as not to confuse my loyal readers, I would like to point out that Adam did NOT think of the name "Woods Hole" because he is clever. It is, in fact, the town I am from. I suppose he finds that amusing, but I wanted to be clear that what he thinks is a level 2 joke, is, in reality, a pun at best.

I INTERVIEW ASSHOLES PART 13: ERIN MARKEY

Erin Markey is a New York based singer, comedian, performer, actress, and because of that, she's like 4x the ASSHOLE everyone else is.

#YESALLASSHOLES!

Q. Why are you such an asshole? 

A. Because it's the most anxious body part and I am a psychological welcome wagon for those types of feelings.*

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Probably 'cause you're a woman.

Q. Who do you hate more: old ladies, puppies or fucking babies?

A. Those are the only kinds of creatures I ever want attention from so based on that I would say babies because of the three, it feels most humiliating to get rejected by a baby (of the three.)

Q. Why the fuck didn't you become a doctor?

A.  I told people I wanted to be a veterinarian after I went to a Gene Therapy Independent Study Camp for teens at Georgia Tech as a high school student.  But once you play Frenchie in Grease*, there's no going back.

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I played the fat one. STOP BODY SHAMING ME.

Q. Does your mother know you are an asshole?

A. My mother has commanded me to "CARE" my entire life as a response to my mumbling "I don't care." Hard to know.

Q. If you could murder a concept, what concept would it be and why?

A. This is a trick question being used to identify the biggest assholes and I won't fall prey. My runner up answer was "chair" but essentially it's the same answer because I was too afraid of the trap to be passionately honest.

Q. What shows do you have coming up...oh wait, I don't care so don't fucking tell me. Seriously, don't answer this question.

...

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: FINALLY. A woman who knows her place and ACTUALLY does not open her yap to answer this question. THANK GOD.

Q. Do you know that by being a theater artist, you are automatically an asshole? 

A. I didn't know I was an asshole, I thought I was more of an idiot, but I like the agency that seems to be associated with asshole.  As a woman, that's empowering.

Q. Name 3 people you know who are bigger assholes than you. Feel free to explain or not, asshole.

A. Morgan Gould*, Becca Blackwell, Roy Cohn

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: You're so sexist. I'm the only woman on this list, and it's because I'm powerful and strong and a leader. IF I WERE A MAN, YOU WOULDN'T THINK I WAS AN ASSHOLE. YOU WOULD JUST THINK I WOULD MAKE A GOOD CEO. Such a double standard. I don't know how you live with yourself.

Q. Do you live in Williamsburg?

A. Greenpoint, so yes.

Q. Where are you from?

A. My people are from Michigan. I am too, but also other places like South Carolina and Georgia.