I INTERVIEW #EMERGING! ASSHOLES PART 20: BAILEY WILLIAMS

Bailey Williams is a New York based playwright who also works for Antje Oegel.* 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That's right, us #emerging! assholes all have two completely contrasting lives. One that exists in a small office that we regularly use to print illicit copies of our pathetic attempts to transcend our day jobs, and one that begins when our bosses finally decide we can leave!  If we're lucky, we like the former. If we're not lucky, we will never admit that due to crippling amounts of student loan debt, we will always be the Jekyll and Hydes of the American Theatre! Thanks for the office supplies, though, folks! 

PS I like my job. 

PPS Look out for the WORLD PREMIERE of "Please Don't Fire Me!" a cite specific new play by Morgan Gould. It takes place in my office...after hours. I printed every page of it at Fedex.

PPPS Antje if you are reading this, my 9-5 self has had the great pleasure of working with Bailey's 9-5 self and she is extremely competent, helpful, and prompt in her replies. 

PPPS Everyone else reading this: she is STILL an asshole. 

Q. Why are you such an asshole?

A. I have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement and a drinking problem. I went to NYU for Dramatic Writing*. I recently spent time in a Floridian resort, where I complained loudly about the quality of the pina coladas. I have a personal blog**. There are a lot of things at work here. 

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I mean...I just...I don't even really have to say anything here. 

**NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: WHAT EXACTLY IS YOUR POINT?

Q. Who do you like better your Mom or your Dad?

A. Neither. I don't like anyone. 

Q. How much money would it take for you to be willing to steal candy from a baby? Literally. Or, how much would you pay someone for the privilege?

A. Nothing. I would do it for free. Babies need to learn about assholes early to better prepare them for life. It would be NICE of me to steal candy from every goddamn baby I see.  

Q. If you could fuck anyone in the world and not call them, and then know they just waited by the phone for days for you to contact them, who would it be?

A. Kim Jong Un.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: That is racist, and the owners and editors of this blog do not claim to support, share or condone this viewpoint. Only Matthew Freeman does.

Q. What do you have coming up artistically?...Oh wait, no. Go fuck yourselves. No one cares what you do, asshole. Don't you dare fucking answer that.

A. Fuck you, Morgan.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: Valid.

Q. Who is the most insufferable theater person on facebook? (Warning: if you say me, I'll change it to someone you're friends with without telling you.)

A. Chris Tyler. Shut the fuck up about Prelude.13, Chris Tyler. 

Q. Name 3 people you know who are secret assholes--names ones we wouldn't suspect, for god's sake!

A. Working for a literary agency I have access to all the secret asshole information of which the theater world only DREAMS. I know EVERY SECRET. And I'll never fucking tell, Morgan, not until my tell-all zine that I will distribute at Prelude.14. 

Q. What's your relationship with the L train?

A. Sometimes I have to transfer to the L from the G train to get to all my favorite Bushwick bars and restaurants! ;)

Q. Why the fuck are you in theater when you could have actually DONE SOMETHING with your life you selfish fuck?

A. Good question. It's because I am the most important person in the world and my art really reflects that. Through art, I can maintain 100% focus on my own personal issues. 

Q. Be honest, how long did you spend doing this interview? And if you answer more than 3 minutes, you're the worst kind of asshole and you owe me an explanation.

A. Over a week. Morgan made edits to this questionnaire. She is being dishonest about the editorial process and she needs to be held accountable.*

*NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: I merely added the BONUS QUESTIONS below as a nod to CURATION which, if you were any sort of downtown artist like you CLAIM to be, you would appreciate rather than mock. Oh...you don't know what CURATION is??? Call Caleb Hammons. He'll calmly explain it to you in his southern drawl. Maybe then you'll SHUT YOUR YAP, ASSHOLE.

BONUS Qs, also found on the Lincoln Center Director's Lab Application:

BONUS: What's your favorite application to get rejected from every year and who at that organization is the biggest asshole?

Ars Nova*/admin assistant Eric Shethar. I used to watch him sneer and drink his stupid coconut water every day when I interned there. You wouldn't believe how many tote bags this man owns (at least 10). 

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: "I got married there!" - ARS NOVA DEVELOPMENT VIDEO. 'NUFF SAID.

BONUS: Do you remember where you were when they announced that Annie Baker and Rajiv Joseph were getting Steinberg Awards for being "up and coming" playwrights last year?

Yes, I literally following Annie Baker into a deli on 5th Avenue in Park Slope. She bought three 40 ounces of Michelob Ultra and a $5 designer chocolate bar. She told the counter man she was getting "hella turnt."  

BONUS: What would be the first thing you would do if you got a NYIT Award?

Return it. I'm aiming for the big-time recognition: an OBIE!